Bismillah
I’m busy working on a psychology assignment that reflects on my self-concept and my self-esteem, and how they were developed. My hope is that this gets you to think about your own self-concept and self-esteem and what shaped them. Since this is not an academic platform, I can happily quote with no worries, whoo hoo! I know that I’m not the most creative, emotional or funniest blogger, but I’m proud that I can put together a decent essay, Alhamdulillah. And I appreciate every one of you blog followers for following my journey despite my writing not being extraordinary. I remember an amazing, gorgeous, talented blogger coming to me all excited to show me her argumentative essay before class. So as you can imagine, I was expecting some mind-blowing stuff. Instead I was appalled. The academic writing was not even academic. Copy, paste. The referencing. I could go on. And as you may know, keeping my mouth shut is not one of my greatest strengths. But keeping my mouth shut that day is what I consider an achievement. *Pats self on the back.*
Back to what I want to blog about now. What I really wanted to research was the effect of religiosity on self-esteem. And what I found was that there is mixed results. Some research has shown that religiosity is actually damaging to self-esteem, because “religion” puts these high expectations on you, and then you feel like you’re never good enough because you can still barely make Fajr in time and by now tahajjud should be a daily habit, or you still can’t recite properly, or you’re a hafidh/a but you don’t recite as much as you should so you constantly feel like a failure, or you’re still struggling with wearing proper hijab and feel judged all the time. The list goes on and on. And I’ve heartbreakingly witnessed from a distance beautiful young women leave practicing Islam for this very reason. They just want to be accepted for who they are. In the beginning, when I started learning and practicing, one of my teachers constantly drummed that as believers we should always be striving, we should never stagnate, and this made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t doing enough. And I compared myself to her. Me, who had been practicing for a couple months, to her who had been practicing her entire life. Until somebody literally stopped me on the landing of a staircase, and shook me to reality. To hold up. To slow down. To be myself. I don’t remember what her exact words were, but it was a defining moment in my life. She had been where I was, and she could see right through me. Humanistic psychology explains that if there is a wide gap between your ideal self and your actual self, you are considered to be incongruent, which will result in low self-esteem. I think that we also often get the message that Allah’s love for us is conditional. Like we are only worthy of His love if we are perfect Muslims. On the contrary, Allah says that he has honoured ALL of the children of Aadam, which means that no one is more worthy or less worthy than I am. People often say things humbly like I’m an “unworthy” slave. I think that can actually be really damaging to your self-esteem. By virtue of the fact that Allah created you, you ARE worthy! I struggled so much with feeling unworthy of being a haafidha– I could not fathom how such a sinful person could be honoured so generously. And it was really damaging to my self-worth, my self-esteem and to my relationship with Allah and the Qur’an. And because I used to judge myself, I judged others who were seemingly hypocrites because they were doing hifdh or were hāfidhāt and had boyfriends or didn’t wear hijab. “Don’t judge others because they sin differently to you.”
At this point in my life, what I’ve learned (not just theoretically but practically) from my husband is that we put way too much emphasis on the external acts of worship and don’t weigh Prophetic character as heavily, when in fact the deed that will weigh the heaviest on the Day of Judgement is good character.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t strive to be a better Muslim, but re-evaluate whether your expectations have been projected onto you by your parents, your teachers/scholars or your spouse/friends, and if so, re-frame them to come from a place of sincerely wanting to please Allah because you love Him and you’re grateful to Him, not because you “should”. Also, there is such a wide variety of voluntary ‘ibadah that I really don’t think you should commit to doing something that doesn’t fit with who you are and your lifestyle, only to end up feeling guilty and like a constant failure. What works for some doesn’t work for others. Some people need a Shaykh/Murshid, others don’t. Some people have the discipline for hifdh, others don’t. Some people can make tahajjud regularly, others can’t. And that’s OKAY! The key is getting to know yourself, and learning what you’re capable of and what helps you become closer to Allah SWT.
I love following Accidental Muslims because many of the people that they interview don’t seem like the epitome of “good” Muslims at face value, like Mr. South Africa for example. But once you zoom in and hear what his intentions are and take a look at his charity work that puts yours to shame, you reconsider your judgement of what a “good” Muslim really is. Follow Accidental Muslims on Facebook, Instagram, Apple podcasts, whichever floats your boat.
I need to get back to my assignment now. I will look at the flip side of religiosity and self-esteem in part 2 inShāAllāh.
I hope you enjoyed this post.
With best of du’as for your worldly and hereafter success,
Wasfeeya
Wasfeeya Altalib 
It’s so true how we underestimate the value of good character. When in fact the bulk of fiqh is related to human interaction – and not acts of worship.
There’s also a common pattern of those who return to the deen at first being judgemental about others who appear to be ‘less religious ‘ – but eventually (hopefully) finding a healthier balance. I think that’s where leaders like Nouman Ali Khan and Suhaib Webb are so critical today – especially for the younger generations…their dedication to tolerance and patience with everyone. Non-judgementalness. Even Mufti Menk is the same, though his look may initially scare off those who are still in the early part of their journey.
Looking forward to part 2.
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The point about diversity in action is also an excellent one. We should be wary of those who are overly prescriptive, because if you don’t fit the mould and you keep failing to live up to the expectations of others, it can push you away from the truth. Another example is the idea that da’wah has to be social, public speaking… “out there”…which really makes introverts feel inadequate. That’s so wrong because there are many other ways of achieving the objective that are less obvious.
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Assalamualaikum wasfeeya,
So timely that I too was thinking that growing up religion merely meant ritual acts of worship.Surprisingly grown up I realise Islam has ALL the answers even very heavy psychological ones that modern society struggles with. However of course there’s that wide gap that now religious scholarship faces to make Deen applicable in every aspect of our day to day life rather than it just being five prayers and the Faraid .We can keep drumming about Islam having all the answers but unless common people don’t know how to implement divine knowledge for a meaningful life there’s going to be people turning off and simply giving up.
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I love this post Algamdulilaah. and I love that learning to be a true muslim is a journey over time. If we put our trust in Allah I think it will all be ok. I am in my second year of madrassa now and its about love and mercy and forgiveness and learning. And as you learn more about who Allah is you learn more about who you are and who you are meant to be
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That was definitely a blog worth reading. *Proceeds to also pat you on the back*
I too came to realise the differences in people after I got married. Especially where religiosity is concerned.
Considering it’s such a fundamental aspect in our lives, having it be questioned bothers us, and directly affects the way we see ourselves.
I struggled for a long time reassessing my actions and intentions, trying to figure out which actions were deemed most correct or acceptable in the eyes of Allah. Was I wrong to not like certain additional things? Am I THAT flawed that good actions don’t gel with me? Should I now adopt certain ideologies and actions even though I have no connection or drive to want to do them? Why am I this… lesser of a person?
This confusion and self doubt lasted years… Only now alhamdu lillah can I confidently say that I accept that people are different. Allah made us different. With different peripheral purposes. To serve in ways that he made beautiful to us. Realising and accepting that fact is life changing. Confidence changing. Imaan changing.
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